Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
