Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had to cum in my sink.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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