I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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