well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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