it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
