Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
