oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize