Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
