when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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