We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
