my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
