I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
