What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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