So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
