I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize