end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
