Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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