I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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