I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
