Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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