my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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