Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're like the curious george of whores
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
