he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
