he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
