fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
