He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize