Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
