I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
