The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
