Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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