I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
