Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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