Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
