i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
