I accidentally had phone sex last night
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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