Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
