highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
