I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
