so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize