The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
