just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
