glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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