I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize