How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
