didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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