if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
