i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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