she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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