Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
