His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
