Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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