don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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