My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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