if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize