I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
