It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
