He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
